Boy I just keep getting worse at this don't I?

Well here it is, now even more than a year later than it was the last time I checked in.  Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I thought about this and figured I would come check on myself today.  So here I am.  And since my last post, I still can't completely answer the question I ended with.  How do you get back to someone or someplace if you aren't sure you've ever been there before? 

I can say that I am a work in progress.  And I am so thankful to have so many awesome people in my life that have helped me to stay focused on finding out the answer to that question.  I've made some progress on the figuring out myself, but the thing is, I'm no longer looking for who I used to be, or who I once was.  I'm focusing on figuring out who I am supposed to be in the now and the future will come.  I'm thankful that God has NEVER left me even when I was very obviously running the opposite direction of Him. 

I won't make any promises of being here more often, and I'm sure that is okay, because I am pretty sure I am the only one reading anyway.  LOL 

Direction...

Wow, it's been almost a year since I was here last.  It's been a long year to say the least.  More ups and downs than I care to elaborate on.  I spent the earlier part of this week rereading everything previously posted and honestly considered deleting every last post.

Now as I sit here at way past when I should have been asleep, I'm questioning every thought, every decision, every desire I've had in the past year, and if I'm honest even farther back than that.  The one question that I keep asking myself and a couple of other people is "How did I end up here?". I've wasted so much time on the wrong things and even some things that may have been the right things at the wrong time. 

I thought that by now I'd have things figured out.  After the divorce I thought, 'maybe now I would finally get a grip on who Dawn is and what she wants out of life'.  Sadly, what I've realized is that I am farther from that knowledge than I ever have been. 

Somewhere in the last 10 months I seem to have lost sight of everything and honestly have no idea where to even begin to start to try to get back to myself.  The problem is I have no clue who "myself" is.

Which leads me to this question, "How can you get back to something or somewhere you don't know if you've ever been to to begin with?" 

Blank...

That word pretty much describes me everytime I've tried to write something since the end of March.  I am pretty sure I have so much to say and then I put my fingers on the keyboard and.....nothing....at all.  Here I sit today determined to get something down, but I find myself struglling to choose what to write about. 

I have read some amazing blogs lately that encourage and inspire me.  Some that I know were written with me in mind, almost like God dropped me on that person's heart so He could remind me that He is with me, He knows where I am and He ALWAYS wants me to remember that.

Several times this past couple of months I have wanted to give up.  Circumstances have come up that have done their dead level best to defeat me.  It amazes me that God always always ALWAYS has a word for me. 

Instead of writing any of the things I have started to write right this morning, I think I am just going to end it here with the reminder that if you a need a Word from God you do not have to wait until Sunday morning in church to get it.  He is there with you now....with a word straight from His heart, you only have to listen for it. 

Changes.....

It's really a good thing I like change, for the most part, although here lately, I feel like I cannot keep up with the changes.  My boss just left for the very last time, she's retired after 35 years and I have very mixed emotions about it.  While I am beyond thrilled for her and this time in her life, she has more than earned it, it was hard to watch 35 of years of experience walk out the door.  She was pretty easy to work with (she never made me feel like I worked *for* her) and I am unsure of how things will be with her replacement. 

I am choosing to not be afraid, I am speaking that, because if I keep that in front of me, in my heart, in my mouth, in my mind, what I focus on WILL be my reality.  I know that God has only good things in store for me and yet I feel like I am struggling with keeping myself together lately. 

The tears feel like they are *right there* all the time.  Like at any moment the floodgates are going to open and I am just going to cry like a little girl.  I am not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.  I am continually speaking what I know to be true about myself because THE WORD says it. 

As Pastor Chuck said last night, "I am where I am but I do not have to stay here".  But that is just it, it is up to me, not to be good enough for God, that is not what I mean, but to believe what His word says about me and live it.  ONLY believe.....that is all I have to do. 

The Bible says that His people perish for a lack of vision, well I have to get and keep the vision for my life planted squarely in front of me, that vision is for me - a healthy weight with an in shape body, a properous financial future (to be able to give and give and give and never look back), a healthy family, a strong marriage relationship and a positive attitude about myself.

That does not sound too bad does it.....now to keep that in front of me.......change it is a coming.....and I am ready for it....

Mistakes.....

Well I have made my share and probably about 65 other people's share of them.  Some bigger than others.  I find myself in a situation I did NOT think I would ever be in again.  DEBT up to my eyeballs.  We were on a debt management program for a year and we were still barely making ends meet so we switched to a  debt settlement program because we thought it would make things easier on the month to month.  Boy was that a huge mistake.  The phone calls have started again because in the process of getting the "settlement" side of it set up, there are no payments being made.  I am trying not to be physically ill every time the phone rings. 

When we switched from Management to Settlement they told us we could "easily" switch back to the management program if we found the settlement was not working out for us.  Well guess what.....NOPE.  I called today and they said that the likelihood of the creditors accepting the management proposals a second time was slim to none.  So the phone calls will keep coming and I will have to continue to tell them that we are doing everything we can think of to make this work, but the calls will keep coming until some arrangements are made.  I know that our debt is our fault, and I will not get into the ins and outs of all of ours, but I am so disappointed to be here again. 

So as it is right now, I am standing completely on the fact that I KNOW that I KNOW God will NOT allow us to go hungry or lose our house, but things could stand to be A LOT better and I am looking forward to the things to come and trying not to dwell on the past. 

I am writing all of this just because I had to get it out.  If you have managed to read to this point, my desire is that you will stand in agreement with us that the right doors will open, the money will pour in from any and every direction and that I will not have a mental breakdown in the waiting process....I came very close yesterday and it was not pretty....

Serving.....

By far my most favorite thing in the world.  I am always so thankful for any opportunity to serve.  Today our church participated in a community wide SHINE project.  The "My Fathers House" ministry was given two very old buildings to turn into a "mission", food and clothing pantry.  I hope to hear from the directors soon with some further instruction on how to get more involved from these beginning stages.  I cannot wait. 

I am  so thankful that my Pastors got us involved with this project.  This has been my hearts desire for a long time and I hope that the directors took me seriously when I said I wanted to do whatever they needed. 

This morning was spent clearing the insulation and ceiling tiles, well not me, I was outside weilding a rake for two hours straight.  We had a great time, it was a lot of work, but the fellowship was great and the sense of accomplishment when we quit was amazing. 

Days like this I am reminded how much I long to not be sitting in a cubby everyday. How much I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt I am meant for something more fulfilling than selling insurance to lawyers.  But how do you make that happen when your finances call for you to have a job that pays well?  Well I will tell you what I'm going to do.  I am going to trust God to provide for finances to be taken care of and a new door to be opened. 

I will keep you posted!!!!

Another day

Another dollar....or something like that.  I am sitting here in my living room and for the first time in a REALLY long time I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is....in fact....NOT a train.  Several times in the course of the last year, the only thing that kept me from believing it WAS a train was the faith to know that God would NOT let it be a train.

A lot of things have happened recently, some things that had me questioning every thing I thought about some things and some people.  But I was absolutely determined to not give into fear or doubt, kept my eyes and heart on God and trusted that HE would make things right.  It took some serious determination and mental fortitude and I am thankful that my dear friend Deanna always had the right words and a ready prayer over the last week.  Deanna you may never read this, but I am so thankful for you and your friendship. 

Now I am confident and want to share that confidence with anyone that is reading this, GOD IS FAITHFUL, He does have our best interest at heart and HE will work all things together for good for those that love HIM.  

I do not want to go into detail because God knows all of it, but suffice it to say that I was unsure of just about everything around me but He kept me going, He kept my heart in check and He has honored my heart's dedication to Him. 

I am finally beginning to see some of the things that I have had my heart set on come to pass.  Was there a price?  Only the price of forgiveness which is as much a gift to myself as those I have chosen to forgive.  Where would I be if God withheld His forgiveness....