Let it begin with me....

For the first time in almost two weeks I am beginning to feel like myself again.  That flu thing...well let me just put this bluntly....it SUCKS!!!  I can feel how out of whack I am.  I have been exercising three days a week since the end of August and now to have gone almost two weeks without it, I can feel it.  I plan to get back into the swing of things this Friday.


This weekend was great.  Had a great time at Crop Connection and ended up completing more than I thought I would.  Now that I'm feeling better, I am looking forward to taking some control of my life and circumstances.


Last night I had a discussion with my daughter that had me in tears.  She is an amazing, beautiful young woman with great thoughts, but she has a very selfish side.  I do not know where this comes from besides that old human nature that seems to take the blame for everything. 


She has this attitude that she is somehow better than some people.  Not everyone, it's not like a constant thing, but some people it is like because they do not fit into her little package she treats them poorly or ignores them.  I do not understand it.  I am the complete opposite.  I have spent many years in a place of feeling like I do not fit in somewhere so I have made it my goal to see to it that no one I know ever feels useless, unwanted or neglected.  I did not raise her to be this selfish.  Selfish is not in the nature God intended us to live by. 


How do I break this in her?  How do I instill in her that ALL people are valuable, even if they are annoying, irritating, not as cute as you think they should be, etc?  How do I get her to see that the very thing she cannot stand in her biological father is the very thing she is doing to so many that just want her to friends with them. 


I know that I am probably still the only one reading my blog, but I have high hopes that one day someone will stop and have an answer to even one of my questions.....


I pray that she will be like the furtile soil talked about in Matthew 13.  The one that hears, listens and understands the things of God.  Lord let me be that person in front of her.  Help me mold her into what it is You have set before her.  Lord let it begin with me.....

Purpose.....

Purpose....that is my "vision" word for 2011.  I decided to take the KLove challenge this year of finding one word to define my vision for the year.  I did not do it last year, I was not in a place of being able to look past the end of my nose to see vision for anything at this time last year.  This year I decided that maybe that is why last year was as lousy as it was.  I started out with the wrong attitude. 

So....Purpose....I plan to live on purpose, love on purpose, encourage on purpose, work on purpose and in all of that hope to find my "purpose" so that i can Live with a Purpose.  Far too often in the past 12 months I have allowed circumstances to interfere with seeking God and His will and plan for my life.  I let anger, hurt feelings, frustration, despair cloud out His love and His purpose.  Not gonna happen this year. 

I have asked God for years what my purpose was, what I was supposed to be doing for Him.  I always, always, always wanted it to be in some form or fashion of me singing.  Singing is where my heart has been since I got saved.  I am no Kari Jobe or Francesca B, but I can carry a tune in a bucket (with a lid on it).  But I'm realizing that where I am, there is not a place for me in that area.  I am accepting that and seeking His will, my second passion has always been serving.  I don't care where you need me, just need me and tell me.  I love the feeling of knowing that I have done something for someone that they couldn't do, didn't have time to do or just didn't want to do themselves.  I don't care if anyone knows about it either.  Tied with serving is encouraging, I LOVE to bring a smile to someone's face with a simple compliment. 

So since singing is out (except in my shower and in the congregation at church), serving and encouraging is where my PURPOSE is focused right now.  I will serve with a purpose and be thankful to be used when needed, where needed. 

So I challenge you (if there is a YOU lol), determine what your vision word is for the year 2011, pray about it, ask God to show you what it is and then come back and post here, I'd like to know what it is too. 

To borrow a phrase from one of my favorite bloggers, Darlene Schacht:

YOU ARE LOVED BY AN ALMIGHTY GOD!!!!

What am I "avid" about?

Three days at home and I am about ready to gnaw my own arm off.  These three days have given me a chance to examine some things in my life.  First of all I realized that I spend far too much time in front of my tv.  I used to spend time getting lost in a book, I love books, just about any book.  I love getting so involved in a book that I feel like I'm not just reading it, but that I'm actually in the story.  I haven't been able to read much the past three days because the cough meds I'm taking make me very sleepy, not conducive to reading.  I used to be an avid reader.  Now it seems like I choose the tv over anything else.  I think that I would like to have an e-reader simply because then I can still be in the room with my family while they are watching tv, but have my nose stuck in a "book" without needing a light on to distract. 

So many things I would  like to be "avid" about.  Playing games with my kids, reading, scrapbooking, exercising, eating right, however, tv seems to be the thing that wins that honor most often. I have decided that as soon as I am feeling better, I will be rearranging some things and getting back to the things I love.   

This weekend will give me a chance to start.  This is Crop Connection weekend, the annual scrapbooking event I participate in. However, I am not ready by any means.  I have not printed any pictures, gathered my supplies or anything.  I guess it's a good thing I go as much for the fellowship as I do anything else, because I am not sure I will have time to get very many pictures printed beforehand. 

I am going to try to incorporate more productive family time, even if it means getting my girls involved more in the kitchen with cooking/baking.  Playing games, getting my son out from in front of his electronics.  This is NOT a new year's resolution, just a reorganization of some personal things.  And books, I am going to devour the stack of books I have waiting for me. 

The Flu....

Oh the joys of the flu.  The flu is for the birds, pigs or whatever other animal you can think of, but it is most definitely NOT for me.  I'm trying desperately not to be cranky, irritable and a pain in the butt. I think I'm failing miserably.  I'm so very thankful for the wonderful husband I have.  He took me to the doctor because I was dizzy, picked up my prescriptions and made homemade chicken noodle soup.


I have accomplished a whole lot of nothing today and apparently that is what is on the menu for the next two days at least.  I love to sit around and do nothing, unless that is what I'm told to do.  Why is that?  What is it in us that we want to do the opposite of what we are told?  Why is it that when you tell a baby, No don't touch, that baby can't wait to touch exactly what he was told not too?  Or even better you tell a teenage girl she is not allowed to date a certain boy, he's the only boy she wants to date?  It's crazy really.  But I am stuck at home for the next two days and it's the last place I want to be.  Ordinarly I'd be sitting here on a Monday night going "I don't want to go to work tomorrow", but not this Monday, I'm sitting here wishing I could go to work (or at least have the opportunity). 


Todd, the wonderful hubby, says I should read or take hot a bath, or both, and on any other day that would sound like heaven, but when my desk was a mess when I left on Friday, and my boss has a freak out session if I'm out more than a day, all I can think is just let me go to work. 


I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings....

Promise

Promsie...not a word I use lightly.  I never have.  I am a firm believer that if you are going to use this word you should know...beyond a shadow of a doubt...you can hold to it.  It is a word that is used much too lightly in my opinion.  People make "promises" to each other all the time, parents do it with their kids just to get them to stop doing what ever it is, or asking for whatever they are asking for, couples promise to love each other for all eternity - forever and ever.  I've seen this word cause more damage to a person than just about any other word, because the person using it inevitably ends up breaking that promise.  I try to believe that it isn't intentional, that most people don't put as much weight on the word as I do, but imagine what this world would look like if people held to their word, their promise. 

I have had peole say "I promise (insert whatever you want here)" and I always (always always) say, "please don't use that word".  I cannot explain why, but for me it is much better to deal with the "let down" if there is not a broken promise on top of it.  My kids used to do the "I promise mommy, I'll clean my room, eat all my food, etc etc....if....." And I've always said the same thing to them, "a promise is something you ONLY make if you are 110% sure it's something you can keep". 

I've recently had to remind myself that not everyone in my life holds this word as highly as I do.  I recently opened up about some recent/current/past struggles in my life and the pain that came with those (90% resulting from broken promises..go figure right) with a friend and in that moment was given the "promise" that this friend would always be there for me and that I would never feel abandoned or alone.  I didn't ask this friend not to use that word.  It was the first time in a really REALLY long time that I allowed myself to trust a person and the word at the same time.  For that past couple of weeks I have really been struggling with feeling like again it was just a word used in a moment to make someone (me) feel better. Circumstances usually get in the way of keeping promises.  This thought leads me to thank God repeatedly for HIS WORD. 

Dictionary.com defines promise as a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc. by one.  I tried to google how often the word promise is mentioned in the bible, but my connection speed is slow and only this website appears to be working.  I imagine it is quite a bit.  I love the God's promises can all be depended on.  I love that if He said He will do it, He WILL.  So far it has been my experience that His promises are the only ones I have ever been able to count on.  There is a security in that that keeps me going, even better all of His promises are YES and AMEN.  How cool is that?

Time Flies....

As I mentioned yesterday, today is the 16th birthday of the most amazing young lady I know.  Of course, I am her mother and I am supposed to think that way, but from what I've been told, I am not the only one with this opinion.  Yes she has her days, don't we all, but today I celebrate the life she has been given, the life she is leading and the life she has stretched out in front of her.  I remember being 16.  Things were so different back then, I remember thinking that my parents had to be from another galaxy because they were clueless about my world.  I remember thinking they were uncool and I sure did NOT want to spend a Friday night at home with them.  And then I remember realizing how much time I wasted thinking they were wrong, when in actuality they were right....A LOT. 

Now I look at Hannah and I'm beyond thankful that at 16 she still thinks I'm the coolest person she knows.  She says I'm weird, but it's a good weird and she'd still often rather be in the same room with me than anywhere else.  I love that she still wants to crawl in my lap sometimes (although it usually does NOT last long with that boney butt of hers) and she still can't wait to call me after school and tell me about her day even though just about every day it was "long and boring" with an occasional "i said hi to *insert cute boy's name here*".  She's amazing and quirky and frustrating and annoying and quiet and chatty and shy.  But my favorite part about Hannah is her hugs.  She hugs me and her Dad anytime she gets close to us; first thing in the morning, in the kitchen getting dinner ready, passing by on the way to the trash can, right before bed, any opportunity. 

God, as I reflect on all the changes, the struggles, the challenges, the joys, the laughter and the tears, I just want to say Thank YOU for picking me for her.  Thank you for knowing that she was meant for me and believing that I could assist you in shaping her into the incredible woman, wife, mother, sister and friend that she can be. 

I cannot wait to see what the next 16 years hold.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH MICHELE!!! 

not so good at this (obviously)....

So much for my goal of being the blogger I desperately desire to be.  I follow so many amazing blogs and I think to myself as I'm reading them *i wish i could write like that* or *how cool would it be to be followed by so many super cool people*.  Currently I am pretty postitive I am the only following myself (and not very well as this is the first time I've been here since october ha).

The holidays were wonderful, had a blast with my family and managed to not make anyone mad, score one (or two if you count Thanksgiving and Christmas) for me. 

My precious, amazing, beautiful, wonderful daughter will be 16 tomorrow.  I cannot believe how much and how fast time has gone by.  It seems like only yesterday I was *begging* her to come out.  She was determined to stay in there as long as humanly possible, if not for pitocin I'm pretty sure she might still be there.  She is truly an amazing young lady.  Stubborn streak, emotions, hormonal but none the less amazing.  I'm thankful that God chose me to be her mom. 

I'm choosing each day to focus on the positives.  I'm trying to get back to the very basics that make up a home filled with love, hope and faith.  I'm thankful that each day HIS mercies are new and that He never gives up on me. 

I'm looking forward to discovering more about myself in 2011.  2010 was high ranking in the "not so good" category, but the past is the past, and you have to put the past behind and move forward.  Looking back only causes you to trip or turn into a pillar of salt, neither of which sounds fun to me, so forward looking and thinking it is.....

Have a great day.....and remember Jesus Loves you!!!