I feel like lately I am living my own life from the back seat, like maybe I'm not really living it with myself in the driver's seat. I've allowed circumstances and emotions to drive me instead of allowing Jesus in me to drive me.
There are days I literally feel like I did when i was kid trying to see out the front window to see where we were going, but only catching stuff as it flew by the side window and in actuality usually missing it completely.
I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself on what I am supposed to be doing, who I am supposed to be, who/what gets priorty. My focus has been to get myself back to my first love, Jesus. I know that when HE is in the driver's seat, I'm at least in the passenger seat and an active participant in the direction I'm heading.
I think my biggest struggle right now is feeling like I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing. I don't believe that I'm meant to be an Insurance Agent for all of eternity, or even for life on earth for that matter. But I don't feel like I have truly found my calling, my plan. I know my purpose is to live to show the world Jesus, be a light for Him in a dark world, but what about His plan for my life? What is it that I'm to be doing in the process of living with a purpose?
I am, as of this moving, moving out of the back seat of my own life and determined to allow Jesus to be the driver and me to assist in navigation. With HIM in the driver's seat and me following HIS leading, I know I'll end up where I'm supposed to.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Always, Always, Always....
The title of the my page and this first blog was/is inspired by my favorite movie....27 Dresses...I was trying to come up with something witty and fantastic that would draw people to want to read, but nothing came to mind. As I sit here watching this movie again I realized that those words, used in the title of the article Malcolm/Kevin wrote about Jane, could be used in a good, bad, indifferent and any other emotion. S there you have it, the not so witty title that I thought would be perfect.
Lately I feel like I am on a psychotic merry go round. Things just seem to be spinning out of control. I am very glad that I am secure in who I am in Christ and that I choose not to be moved by circumstances. I told my sis the other day that I'd like to get off the ride and she reminded me that as a mom that isn't an option. However, some days I would really like for it slow down and at least let me get off the horse and move to one of the bench seats. Am I the only one that feels that way? I'm sure not....
I often wonder if I'm doing all I should be for God, if any of the decisions I've made in my life were truly based on His best for me or what I thought was His best because it was what I wanted. I know that He can turn anything into a blessing and use our stupid choices for His glory and for that I am thankful.
I think I got lost somewhere along the way. I don't know how or why, I had a very blessed childhood, couldn't have special ordered better parents out of the Sears (& Roebuck) catalog. They of course were not perfect, but compared to most of the parents I knew mine were by far the best. They made sure that I never doubted that I was loved. It was big in our house that you said I LOVE YOU at every chance, especially when you were leaving the house. They made sure that we had everything we wanted and I've always loved the fact that my dad adores my mom more with each passing day. I longed for that kind of love and to live the kind of life they've lived.
My first marriage was nothing like I had planned, 15 years of life, very little love, but a few good times and two amazing kids. Kids that 80% of the time I feel like I might actually manage to turn them into decent adults and 20% of the time I'm pretty darn sure I'm going to screw them up, beyond repair.
Most days I'm just thankful for all the good things that God has done for me and I continue to try to see HIM in every situation.....
Lately I feel like I am on a psychotic merry go round. Things just seem to be spinning out of control. I am very glad that I am secure in who I am in Christ and that I choose not to be moved by circumstances. I told my sis the other day that I'd like to get off the ride and she reminded me that as a mom that isn't an option. However, some days I would really like for it slow down and at least let me get off the horse and move to one of the bench seats. Am I the only one that feels that way? I'm sure not....
I often wonder if I'm doing all I should be for God, if any of the decisions I've made in my life were truly based on His best for me or what I thought was His best because it was what I wanted. I know that He can turn anything into a blessing and use our stupid choices for His glory and for that I am thankful.
I think I got lost somewhere along the way. I don't know how or why, I had a very blessed childhood, couldn't have special ordered better parents out of the Sears (& Roebuck) catalog. They of course were not perfect, but compared to most of the parents I knew mine were by far the best. They made sure that I never doubted that I was loved. It was big in our house that you said I LOVE YOU at every chance, especially when you were leaving the house. They made sure that we had everything we wanted and I've always loved the fact that my dad adores my mom more with each passing day. I longed for that kind of love and to live the kind of life they've lived.
My first marriage was nothing like I had planned, 15 years of life, very little love, but a few good times and two amazing kids. Kids that 80% of the time I feel like I might actually manage to turn them into decent adults and 20% of the time I'm pretty darn sure I'm going to screw them up, beyond repair.
Most days I'm just thankful for all the good things that God has done for me and I continue to try to see HIM in every situation.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)