Blank...

That word pretty much describes me everytime I've tried to write something since the end of March.  I am pretty sure I have so much to say and then I put my fingers on the keyboard and.....nothing....at all.  Here I sit today determined to get something down, but I find myself struglling to choose what to write about. 

I have read some amazing blogs lately that encourage and inspire me.  Some that I know were written with me in mind, almost like God dropped me on that person's heart so He could remind me that He is with me, He knows where I am and He ALWAYS wants me to remember that.

Several times this past couple of months I have wanted to give up.  Circumstances have come up that have done their dead level best to defeat me.  It amazes me that God always always ALWAYS has a word for me. 

Instead of writing any of the things I have started to write right this morning, I think I am just going to end it here with the reminder that if you a need a Word from God you do not have to wait until Sunday morning in church to get it.  He is there with you now....with a word straight from His heart, you only have to listen for it. 

Changes.....

It's really a good thing I like change, for the most part, although here lately, I feel like I cannot keep up with the changes.  My boss just left for the very last time, she's retired after 35 years and I have very mixed emotions about it.  While I am beyond thrilled for her and this time in her life, she has more than earned it, it was hard to watch 35 of years of experience walk out the door.  She was pretty easy to work with (she never made me feel like I worked *for* her) and I am unsure of how things will be with her replacement. 

I am choosing to not be afraid, I am speaking that, because if I keep that in front of me, in my heart, in my mouth, in my mind, what I focus on WILL be my reality.  I know that God has only good things in store for me and yet I feel like I am struggling with keeping myself together lately. 

The tears feel like they are *right there* all the time.  Like at any moment the floodgates are going to open and I am just going to cry like a little girl.  I am not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.  I am continually speaking what I know to be true about myself because THE WORD says it. 

As Pastor Chuck said last night, "I am where I am but I do not have to stay here".  But that is just it, it is up to me, not to be good enough for God, that is not what I mean, but to believe what His word says about me and live it.  ONLY believe.....that is all I have to do. 

The Bible says that His people perish for a lack of vision, well I have to get and keep the vision for my life planted squarely in front of me, that vision is for me - a healthy weight with an in shape body, a properous financial future (to be able to give and give and give and never look back), a healthy family, a strong marriage relationship and a positive attitude about myself.

That does not sound too bad does it.....now to keep that in front of me.......change it is a coming.....and I am ready for it....

Mistakes.....

Well I have made my share and probably about 65 other people's share of them.  Some bigger than others.  I find myself in a situation I did NOT think I would ever be in again.  DEBT up to my eyeballs.  We were on a debt management program for a year and we were still barely making ends meet so we switched to a  debt settlement program because we thought it would make things easier on the month to month.  Boy was that a huge mistake.  The phone calls have started again because in the process of getting the "settlement" side of it set up, there are no payments being made.  I am trying not to be physically ill every time the phone rings. 

When we switched from Management to Settlement they told us we could "easily" switch back to the management program if we found the settlement was not working out for us.  Well guess what.....NOPE.  I called today and they said that the likelihood of the creditors accepting the management proposals a second time was slim to none.  So the phone calls will keep coming and I will have to continue to tell them that we are doing everything we can think of to make this work, but the calls will keep coming until some arrangements are made.  I know that our debt is our fault, and I will not get into the ins and outs of all of ours, but I am so disappointed to be here again. 

So as it is right now, I am standing completely on the fact that I KNOW that I KNOW God will NOT allow us to go hungry or lose our house, but things could stand to be A LOT better and I am looking forward to the things to come and trying not to dwell on the past. 

I am writing all of this just because I had to get it out.  If you have managed to read to this point, my desire is that you will stand in agreement with us that the right doors will open, the money will pour in from any and every direction and that I will not have a mental breakdown in the waiting process....I came very close yesterday and it was not pretty....

Serving.....

By far my most favorite thing in the world.  I am always so thankful for any opportunity to serve.  Today our church participated in a community wide SHINE project.  The "My Fathers House" ministry was given two very old buildings to turn into a "mission", food and clothing pantry.  I hope to hear from the directors soon with some further instruction on how to get more involved from these beginning stages.  I cannot wait. 

I am  so thankful that my Pastors got us involved with this project.  This has been my hearts desire for a long time and I hope that the directors took me seriously when I said I wanted to do whatever they needed. 

This morning was spent clearing the insulation and ceiling tiles, well not me, I was outside weilding a rake for two hours straight.  We had a great time, it was a lot of work, but the fellowship was great and the sense of accomplishment when we quit was amazing. 

Days like this I am reminded how much I long to not be sitting in a cubby everyday. How much I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt I am meant for something more fulfilling than selling insurance to lawyers.  But how do you make that happen when your finances call for you to have a job that pays well?  Well I will tell you what I'm going to do.  I am going to trust God to provide for finances to be taken care of and a new door to be opened. 

I will keep you posted!!!!

Another day

Another dollar....or something like that.  I am sitting here in my living room and for the first time in a REALLY long time I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is....in fact....NOT a train.  Several times in the course of the last year, the only thing that kept me from believing it WAS a train was the faith to know that God would NOT let it be a train.

A lot of things have happened recently, some things that had me questioning every thing I thought about some things and some people.  But I was absolutely determined to not give into fear or doubt, kept my eyes and heart on God and trusted that HE would make things right.  It took some serious determination and mental fortitude and I am thankful that my dear friend Deanna always had the right words and a ready prayer over the last week.  Deanna you may never read this, but I am so thankful for you and your friendship. 

Now I am confident and want to share that confidence with anyone that is reading this, GOD IS FAITHFUL, He does have our best interest at heart and HE will work all things together for good for those that love HIM.  

I do not want to go into detail because God knows all of it, but suffice it to say that I was unsure of just about everything around me but He kept me going, He kept my heart in check and He has honored my heart's dedication to Him. 

I am finally beginning to see some of the things that I have had my heart set on come to pass.  Was there a price?  Only the price of forgiveness which is as much a gift to myself as those I have chosen to forgive.  Where would I be if God withheld His forgiveness....

I just want to......

Eat, watch tv, scream, take a bath, laugh, cry, run, walk, lock myself in a room, read a book, run away from home, go on vacation, yell, tickle my kids, pet my dog, hug someone, or sleep. 


I do not even know which one of those is the most pressing at the moment, ever had one of those days? 


And with that.....that is all......

The Raising of Teenage Girls....

Well I have come upon a point that I was not ready for.  My beautiful teenage girl has come to a place where she is looking to me to help her understand an unknown mystery......

THE TEENAGE BOY.......

After a fabulous evening at the military ball, and 10 hours straight of texting between the two of them the very next day, for some reason, unknown to all of us, he has quit communicating with her.  She's perplexed.  She has stepped so far out of her comfort zone with this young man, texting first, calling to ask him to the movies, buying him a valentines day card AND his favorite candy.  But alas, nothing.  No response texts, no to the movies and not so much as a thank you for the Valentine Card and Candy. 

I'm torn between being several females here.  First there is the teenage girl inside that remembers all too well what it feels like to be that girl that desperately just wants to noticed, wants desperately for him to think she's beautiful, and longs for him to just once hold her hand as they walk throught the school hallway.  Second, there's the best friend girl that wants to take the young man and push him up against the wall and say "what are you thinking?  Why are you ignoring my girl?  Why did you give her the impression that you wanted to be her boyfriend and then leave her hanging?" 

And last, but certainly not least, is the mom that says "honey, dating is not worth it right now, you need to focus on your grades, do not worry about boys or boyfriends or anything like that.  There are more important things in life like being grounded in Christ."

While I want to wrap her in bubble wrap and protect her from all of the pain and heartache that comes along with dating and crushes and puppy love, I know that these things will happen whether I wrap her in bubble wrap or not.  I am sure there is not enough bubble wrap in the world to protect her from heartache that will come, so with that in mind, I will choose to be the Mom who points her to the unfailing, everlasting, never changing, enduring, unconditional love that can only come from God.  

And pray, lots of praying....and maybe many nights of ice cream, reese's peanut cups and girl talk.  

It may be a bumpy ride....but I am looking forward to the journey.... 

Busy, busy, busy....

That pretty much describes my life over the course of the past couple of days.  It started with some bad weather last week that left me in traffic trying to get home for more than two hours (although I fared much better than some that were stuck for up to 7 hours). 

Friday was Jacole's birthday party and her mom surprised her by coming in for the weekend.  Saturday was "Wendy K" day.  Her birthday is the 10th and we started celebrating by taking her to Easely Amused.  What a blast that was.  I will have to come back and post pictures of that later as they are all still currently on my cell phone. 

After that started the preparation for the Military ball.  Hannah and Jacole's first. And my girl Hannah has a date.  Very sweet and cute young man named Curt.  They has a blast and my daughter looked like a princess.  She started the day in a pair of jeans and a flannel button down shirt and this was the finished product.

Wendy trasnformed my baby girl from the sweet adorable girl to the beautiful mature princess that you see above.  I must say though, that my daughter had more product in her hair that night than I have ever had in my entire life.  She kept putting more stuff in, including baby powder (who knew????).  Now I know why Wendy looks glamorous every time I see her and why my routine takes 30 mintues, including showering and dressing.  Ha. 

Yesterday was my dad's surgery.  He was diagnosed with prostate cancer last year.  Thankfully it was caught VERY early and they removed his prostate yesterday.  Prognosis is excellent.  They are confident it had not spread, they removed the lymph nodes as well and we expect him to go home tomorrow and be back to his engineering self in no time.  Thank YOU God for the peace you provided throught this entire experience.  Relying on YOU and nothing else is an amazing feeling. 

Things should slow down a bit now (I hope)....

Have a blessed day....

Parenting....

Today I had a chance to spend some time with Kari Jobe and Ben Pirtle.  In the two hours I sat in that small  room with them I could feel God in the midst.  This weekend is the D-Now weekend in our area and they were the speaker and the worship leader this year.  They took the time during the break out session (i think that is what it's called) to minister to the parents of the kids, for free.  I feel for the parents that did not take the time to join this meeting today because they truly missed out on seeing the heart of the people ministering to their children this weekend. 


They both opened up and shared things from the depths of their heart and I was truly blessed by both of them.  Knowing more about them made me feel even better about them ministering to my girls at D-Now.  Their transperency today about their lives as children and what their parents did right and wrong and how it shaped them into the people they are today was very encouraging.


Kari Jobe spoke about how her parents were always there for her.  And when they could not give her the answers she sought they ALWAYS pointed her to hearing from God.  They were open and honest and there for her.  She told a story about her dad just being there with her during a down time and how he just cried with her for the two hours she cried. 


Ben Pirtle said that one of the biggest mistakes parents make is not recognizing the gifts in their children.  Not honing in on those things that God placed within them, not trying to find common ground to develop those things, and putting pressure on them to be what the parents want them to do, or what the parents think would be the best for them. 


Of course I'm paraphrasing and telling this from how it impacted my heart, but I cannot impress how much I learned in that two hours.  Besides hearing Kari Jobe sing less than 10 feet from me and literally getting lost in the worship to the point of tears, I learned more about the parent I want to be. 


Ben spoke of this scientific test to determine a person's gifts and that out of the 7 billion people in the world only .6 of a person would score the same in the top 5 gifts (out of 50) as another person.  He followed that with that out of that 7 billion people in the world God chose ME to be Hannah and Mitchell's parent because He knew that only MY gifts would be the right ones to raise them. 


I am so thankful for all of the nuggets I took away from that meeting and I am truly thankful that those two amazing, talented people of God took the time to impart that wisdom and sharetheir heart with me. 

Dontcha just love

Getting a hair cut (or as we have to say around here a hairS cut)?  It's one of my favorite things ever.  And where I have mine done they wash my hair before the cut, she even does a scalp massage.  I think I love that part even morethan the cutting, but either way, I could sit in a chair and have someone do anything they want to my head.  It's like an escape for me. 


Today I had an opportunity to show Christ in a situation that involved getting my hair cut.  I had an appointment scheduled at 10 am today since December 10.  I was there at 10 when they opened.  Turns out my stylist was not there, they told me that she'd be in there in about 30 minutes, well 45 minutes later she still was not there, they asked me if I wanted to continue to wait or to reschedule and repeatedly apologized.  I told them I'd reschedule because I definitely wanted Cassondra to do it.  I asked them to quit apologizing that I understand things happen. 


When I went back at 3:30 for my appointment Cassondra apologized again and explained what happened with the schedule.  She then proceeded to tell me that EVERYONE in the salon was amazed that I did not raise a fuss, demand anything, holler, yell, or even seem upset about it all.  I guess they talked about me most of the afternoon.  I told Cassondra that getting mad or upset or angry was not going to change the situation and that it certainly would not have shown the love of Christ.  I then told her I would continue to come back to her because of the job that she does and that was all that mattered to me.


It felt good to walk out of there knowing that my attitude had made an impression on staff at the Salon.  I hope to always be that example of His peace in every situation.  Thank You God for living through me!!


Remember that in every situation YOU have the choice to show the Jesus in you.  

Let it begin with me....

For the first time in almost two weeks I am beginning to feel like myself again.  That flu thing...well let me just put this bluntly....it SUCKS!!!  I can feel how out of whack I am.  I have been exercising three days a week since the end of August and now to have gone almost two weeks without it, I can feel it.  I plan to get back into the swing of things this Friday.


This weekend was great.  Had a great time at Crop Connection and ended up completing more than I thought I would.  Now that I'm feeling better, I am looking forward to taking some control of my life and circumstances.


Last night I had a discussion with my daughter that had me in tears.  She is an amazing, beautiful young woman with great thoughts, but she has a very selfish side.  I do not know where this comes from besides that old human nature that seems to take the blame for everything. 


She has this attitude that she is somehow better than some people.  Not everyone, it's not like a constant thing, but some people it is like because they do not fit into her little package she treats them poorly or ignores them.  I do not understand it.  I am the complete opposite.  I have spent many years in a place of feeling like I do not fit in somewhere so I have made it my goal to see to it that no one I know ever feels useless, unwanted or neglected.  I did not raise her to be this selfish.  Selfish is not in the nature God intended us to live by. 


How do I break this in her?  How do I instill in her that ALL people are valuable, even if they are annoying, irritating, not as cute as you think they should be, etc?  How do I get her to see that the very thing she cannot stand in her biological father is the very thing she is doing to so many that just want her to friends with them. 


I know that I am probably still the only one reading my blog, but I have high hopes that one day someone will stop and have an answer to even one of my questions.....


I pray that she will be like the furtile soil talked about in Matthew 13.  The one that hears, listens and understands the things of God.  Lord let me be that person in front of her.  Help me mold her into what it is You have set before her.  Lord let it begin with me.....

Purpose.....

Purpose....that is my "vision" word for 2011.  I decided to take the KLove challenge this year of finding one word to define my vision for the year.  I did not do it last year, I was not in a place of being able to look past the end of my nose to see vision for anything at this time last year.  This year I decided that maybe that is why last year was as lousy as it was.  I started out with the wrong attitude. 

So....Purpose....I plan to live on purpose, love on purpose, encourage on purpose, work on purpose and in all of that hope to find my "purpose" so that i can Live with a Purpose.  Far too often in the past 12 months I have allowed circumstances to interfere with seeking God and His will and plan for my life.  I let anger, hurt feelings, frustration, despair cloud out His love and His purpose.  Not gonna happen this year. 

I have asked God for years what my purpose was, what I was supposed to be doing for Him.  I always, always, always wanted it to be in some form or fashion of me singing.  Singing is where my heart has been since I got saved.  I am no Kari Jobe or Francesca B, but I can carry a tune in a bucket (with a lid on it).  But I'm realizing that where I am, there is not a place for me in that area.  I am accepting that and seeking His will, my second passion has always been serving.  I don't care where you need me, just need me and tell me.  I love the feeling of knowing that I have done something for someone that they couldn't do, didn't have time to do or just didn't want to do themselves.  I don't care if anyone knows about it either.  Tied with serving is encouraging, I LOVE to bring a smile to someone's face with a simple compliment. 

So since singing is out (except in my shower and in the congregation at church), serving and encouraging is where my PURPOSE is focused right now.  I will serve with a purpose and be thankful to be used when needed, where needed. 

So I challenge you (if there is a YOU lol), determine what your vision word is for the year 2011, pray about it, ask God to show you what it is and then come back and post here, I'd like to know what it is too. 

To borrow a phrase from one of my favorite bloggers, Darlene Schacht:

YOU ARE LOVED BY AN ALMIGHTY GOD!!!!

What am I "avid" about?

Three days at home and I am about ready to gnaw my own arm off.  These three days have given me a chance to examine some things in my life.  First of all I realized that I spend far too much time in front of my tv.  I used to spend time getting lost in a book, I love books, just about any book.  I love getting so involved in a book that I feel like I'm not just reading it, but that I'm actually in the story.  I haven't been able to read much the past three days because the cough meds I'm taking make me very sleepy, not conducive to reading.  I used to be an avid reader.  Now it seems like I choose the tv over anything else.  I think that I would like to have an e-reader simply because then I can still be in the room with my family while they are watching tv, but have my nose stuck in a "book" without needing a light on to distract. 

So many things I would  like to be "avid" about.  Playing games with my kids, reading, scrapbooking, exercising, eating right, however, tv seems to be the thing that wins that honor most often. I have decided that as soon as I am feeling better, I will be rearranging some things and getting back to the things I love.   

This weekend will give me a chance to start.  This is Crop Connection weekend, the annual scrapbooking event I participate in. However, I am not ready by any means.  I have not printed any pictures, gathered my supplies or anything.  I guess it's a good thing I go as much for the fellowship as I do anything else, because I am not sure I will have time to get very many pictures printed beforehand. 

I am going to try to incorporate more productive family time, even if it means getting my girls involved more in the kitchen with cooking/baking.  Playing games, getting my son out from in front of his electronics.  This is NOT a new year's resolution, just a reorganization of some personal things.  And books, I am going to devour the stack of books I have waiting for me. 

The Flu....

Oh the joys of the flu.  The flu is for the birds, pigs or whatever other animal you can think of, but it is most definitely NOT for me.  I'm trying desperately not to be cranky, irritable and a pain in the butt. I think I'm failing miserably.  I'm so very thankful for the wonderful husband I have.  He took me to the doctor because I was dizzy, picked up my prescriptions and made homemade chicken noodle soup.


I have accomplished a whole lot of nothing today and apparently that is what is on the menu for the next two days at least.  I love to sit around and do nothing, unless that is what I'm told to do.  Why is that?  What is it in us that we want to do the opposite of what we are told?  Why is it that when you tell a baby, No don't touch, that baby can't wait to touch exactly what he was told not too?  Or even better you tell a teenage girl she is not allowed to date a certain boy, he's the only boy she wants to date?  It's crazy really.  But I am stuck at home for the next two days and it's the last place I want to be.  Ordinarly I'd be sitting here on a Monday night going "I don't want to go to work tomorrow", but not this Monday, I'm sitting here wishing I could go to work (or at least have the opportunity). 


Todd, the wonderful hubby, says I should read or take hot a bath, or both, and on any other day that would sound like heaven, but when my desk was a mess when I left on Friday, and my boss has a freak out session if I'm out more than a day, all I can think is just let me go to work. 


I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings....

Promise

Promsie...not a word I use lightly.  I never have.  I am a firm believer that if you are going to use this word you should know...beyond a shadow of a doubt...you can hold to it.  It is a word that is used much too lightly in my opinion.  People make "promises" to each other all the time, parents do it with their kids just to get them to stop doing what ever it is, or asking for whatever they are asking for, couples promise to love each other for all eternity - forever and ever.  I've seen this word cause more damage to a person than just about any other word, because the person using it inevitably ends up breaking that promise.  I try to believe that it isn't intentional, that most people don't put as much weight on the word as I do, but imagine what this world would look like if people held to their word, their promise. 

I have had peole say "I promise (insert whatever you want here)" and I always (always always) say, "please don't use that word".  I cannot explain why, but for me it is much better to deal with the "let down" if there is not a broken promise on top of it.  My kids used to do the "I promise mommy, I'll clean my room, eat all my food, etc etc....if....." And I've always said the same thing to them, "a promise is something you ONLY make if you are 110% sure it's something you can keep". 

I've recently had to remind myself that not everyone in my life holds this word as highly as I do.  I recently opened up about some recent/current/past struggles in my life and the pain that came with those (90% resulting from broken promises..go figure right) with a friend and in that moment was given the "promise" that this friend would always be there for me and that I would never feel abandoned or alone.  I didn't ask this friend not to use that word.  It was the first time in a really REALLY long time that I allowed myself to trust a person and the word at the same time.  For that past couple of weeks I have really been struggling with feeling like again it was just a word used in a moment to make someone (me) feel better. Circumstances usually get in the way of keeping promises.  This thought leads me to thank God repeatedly for HIS WORD. 

Dictionary.com defines promise as a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc. by one.  I tried to google how often the word promise is mentioned in the bible, but my connection speed is slow and only this website appears to be working.  I imagine it is quite a bit.  I love the God's promises can all be depended on.  I love that if He said He will do it, He WILL.  So far it has been my experience that His promises are the only ones I have ever been able to count on.  There is a security in that that keeps me going, even better all of His promises are YES and AMEN.  How cool is that?

Time Flies....

As I mentioned yesterday, today is the 16th birthday of the most amazing young lady I know.  Of course, I am her mother and I am supposed to think that way, but from what I've been told, I am not the only one with this opinion.  Yes she has her days, don't we all, but today I celebrate the life she has been given, the life she is leading and the life she has stretched out in front of her.  I remember being 16.  Things were so different back then, I remember thinking that my parents had to be from another galaxy because they were clueless about my world.  I remember thinking they were uncool and I sure did NOT want to spend a Friday night at home with them.  And then I remember realizing how much time I wasted thinking they were wrong, when in actuality they were right....A LOT. 

Now I look at Hannah and I'm beyond thankful that at 16 she still thinks I'm the coolest person she knows.  She says I'm weird, but it's a good weird and she'd still often rather be in the same room with me than anywhere else.  I love that she still wants to crawl in my lap sometimes (although it usually does NOT last long with that boney butt of hers) and she still can't wait to call me after school and tell me about her day even though just about every day it was "long and boring" with an occasional "i said hi to *insert cute boy's name here*".  She's amazing and quirky and frustrating and annoying and quiet and chatty and shy.  But my favorite part about Hannah is her hugs.  She hugs me and her Dad anytime she gets close to us; first thing in the morning, in the kitchen getting dinner ready, passing by on the way to the trash can, right before bed, any opportunity. 

God, as I reflect on all the changes, the struggles, the challenges, the joys, the laughter and the tears, I just want to say Thank YOU for picking me for her.  Thank you for knowing that she was meant for me and believing that I could assist you in shaping her into the incredible woman, wife, mother, sister and friend that she can be. 

I cannot wait to see what the next 16 years hold.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH MICHELE!!! 

not so good at this (obviously)....

So much for my goal of being the blogger I desperately desire to be.  I follow so many amazing blogs and I think to myself as I'm reading them *i wish i could write like that* or *how cool would it be to be followed by so many super cool people*.  Currently I am pretty postitive I am the only following myself (and not very well as this is the first time I've been here since october ha).

The holidays were wonderful, had a blast with my family and managed to not make anyone mad, score one (or two if you count Thanksgiving and Christmas) for me. 

My precious, amazing, beautiful, wonderful daughter will be 16 tomorrow.  I cannot believe how much and how fast time has gone by.  It seems like only yesterday I was *begging* her to come out.  She was determined to stay in there as long as humanly possible, if not for pitocin I'm pretty sure she might still be there.  She is truly an amazing young lady.  Stubborn streak, emotions, hormonal but none the less amazing.  I'm thankful that God chose me to be her mom. 

I'm choosing each day to focus on the positives.  I'm trying to get back to the very basics that make up a home filled with love, hope and faith.  I'm thankful that each day HIS mercies are new and that He never gives up on me. 

I'm looking forward to discovering more about myself in 2011.  2010 was high ranking in the "not so good" category, but the past is the past, and you have to put the past behind and move forward.  Looking back only causes you to trip or turn into a pillar of salt, neither of which sounds fun to me, so forward looking and thinking it is.....

Have a great day.....and remember Jesus Loves you!!!